President Trump Personifies Toxic Masculinity
A reflection from a new ally
Editor’s note: We inadvertently said Carly Fiorina was insulted by President Trump’s snide remarks, “bleeding out of her whatever.” However, that was Megyn Kelly.
I used to sneer at the term “Toxic Masculinity.” I found it absurd. Perhaps I was listening to too much Ben Shapiro and some other “fallen heroes” of the dark web? But since my retirement in July 2024, I’ve bumped into this form of masculinity, and it's more prevalent than I thought.
My worst encounters in modern American life have been with some Trump supporters, who routinely feel it necessary to discuss politics in a public setting. Public spaces were usually free from politics, a form of civic hygiene that should return, though I could be pining for halcyon days. On numerous occasions, after learning about my service and asking my opinion on politics, patrons, overwhelming non-military-aged males, will ask me, “How can you support Kamala Harris if you’re a combat veteran?”
“How could I not?” was my response.
The young men who asked me that question were full of testosterone. And when that’s not appropriately mentored, both mentally and physically, it can morph into abhorrent manners and eventually violence. If more of these men knew female servicemembers, they would act differently and perhaps change their opinion on Trump’s toxic masculinity.
Former President Donald Trump plays on the base male instinct that rebels against sharing authority with women. I’ve seen it before in the military. I hate to say it still exists. I wasn’t always a stalwart “ally.” I questioned the battlefield effectiveness of women in front-line combat units. I still have my fears, though it’s because I’ve seen what our enemies do to the women they capture–sexual assault is a common interrogation technique against female soldiers.
However, some female servicemembers are trained to try and resist it. Women who endure the services’ survival evasion resistance and escape training, some of the most grueling in the military, are trained to survive very harsh interrogation techniques–and also how to resist sexual assault. Those techniques are classified, but I’ve seen young female pilots put those techniques to practice in scenarios that would scare most Americans (it’s all supervised by psychologists, and no lines are crossed). However, it’s not for the faint of heart.
I also had the honor of serving alongside a Female Engagement Team on a Village Stability Outpost on the outer edges of the empire. Two females, an NCO and a Captain, with their female interpreter, were part of our tiny little family, consisting of an Operational Detachment Alpha (special forces team), a special operations team - alpha (tactical signals intelligence team), a rotating Afghan ODA, whom we lived with, a civil affairs team, and a squad of infantry. In essence, it was three women and 30-something battle-hardened men.
Overnight, everything changed. We had to take down all the scantily clad pictures of women who donned our little makeshift gym. The ODA team leader, the team sergeant, and the warrant officer–the three foremost leaders on a Special Forces team–had to gather the boys and have a talk.
“Look, gentlemen, this is going to happen,” one said. “So, let’s make them combat effective.”
Over the next four months, they earned the respect of those around us. It wasn’t easy, but they took turns standing guard at night. They learned about all of the weapons and were better shots than me. And, just like we all did, they took turns burning big tubs of feces. Everyone burns the poop, officers and females included.
They also endured snide remarks. In 2012, homophobic remarks were still commonplace in the military. One of the young female servicemembers was a lesbian. And on multiple occasions, she overheard homophobic comments. As a young Air Force officer, I had no direct authority on the team. I was just an enabler tasked with a specific job–so I didn’t say anything.
Now, looking back, I know I should have. But I eventually learned from my mistakes.
In 2017, I had an excellent commanding officers. She was a fabulous leader who commanded nearly 300 Airmen scattered in the United Kingdom, South Korea, Ohio, and California. I learned a lot from her. I wasn’t a natural signals intelligence commander, a more technical form of intelligence. As a career human intelligence officer, she showed me the ropes and boosted my confidence when I confessed, “Sometimes I feel like my Airmen are speaking a different language.”
“You don’t have to know their job,” she said. “You just have to lead.”
Those words stuck with me, so when I became a squadron commander in 2017, I promised myself that I would follow her lead and treat all my Airmen with the dignity and respect they earned. On multiple occasions, I kicked young men out of the service for domestic battery. I was merciless on those who preyed on the weak. I didn’t tolerate the rhetoric I once did. Homophobia, racism, or any form of bigotry was not tolerated under my command.
And we should not tolerate it from our presidents either.
I learned so much from my Airmen, who came in all shapes, sizes, religions, sexual orientations, and gender identities. I commanded at multiple echelons, and if I had ever heard one of my Airmen disparage anyone the way President Trump routinely does, I would’ve started the non-judicial punishment process.
From belittling Megyn Kelly for “bleeding out of her whatever” to 20+ sexual assault charges, former President Trump has told us who he is. This man could never receive a security clearance–and I’ve revoked more than my fair share—not just for his security violations but because he’s a sexual predator.
It dismays me that we’re on the precipice of re-electing President Trump into office. I have a three-year-old daughter, and if she were of fighting age, I would not recommend that she join the military under President Trump’s command. Should he command our servicemembers again, I fear for the women under his command.
President Donald Trump is “Toxic Masculinity” personified. He’s not a tough guy. He dodged the draft because he had “bone spurs.” He said that Senator John McCain, a Vietnam Prisoner of War, was not a real war hero. He disparaged a Gold Star mother because she dared criticize him. He also routinely disparages his children and the wives of his political opponents and has mocked a disabled man at his rallies.
What type of real man does that?
A real man, the overwhelming majority of the men I served alongside, would never tolerate such blatant disrespect to their fellow brothers-and-sister in arms. But that’s because Donald Trump isn’t a selfless servant of the people; he’s a strong man who has convinced disaffected young men that he’s the ultimate Alpha, but he’s anything but.
A real man acts honorably around those who are physically weaker than them. He protects the feeble; he doesn’t prey on them. And when put under the command of a leader who isn’t as masculine as him, he adjusts to their leadership, not vice versa.
I’ve seen women in combat. They are just as fierce and, yes, lethal as anybody else. Vice President Kamala Harris will have much to learn in the seat, and she will make many mistakes, but her leadership style is that of a selfless servant of the people, which, in essence, is what we should want for young men.
She doesn’t prey on the weak. She doesn’t personally denigrate those who oppose her. She might not be a conservative, but she’s a better man than Donald Trump will ever be.
This is the first election of my lifetime as a father. My little girl is the joy of my life. She has done more to heal my heart than any therapist or drug cocktail the VA has tried to push on me.
She’s also autistic. And through her eyes, I heal my battered soul.
I don’t give a damn what most people think of me. I am my own man, for better or worse. However, only one person’s opinion about me matters: my beautiful princess general.
That’s why my honor is so important. Despite my many mistakes in life, I’ve tried to act honorably. Voting for Kamala Harris is honorable despite my many differences with her.
When my daughter grows up, she will ask me about the war and why I dedicated my life to upholding the promise to our Afghan allies. I will tell her because “I promised them, and my word is my bond.”
That’s what honor means to me. But I also have to emulate that in all aspects of life. I cannot vote for a man who regularly dishonors soldiers. How could I explain that to my daughter when she’s 18?
“Well, I liked his Middle East foreign policy better.”
“I wanted to punish Harris for her conduct in Afghanistan.”
All those urges and desires remain present. However, I could never vote for a man I wouldn’t trust with the welfare of my little princess general. Not just because of his rhetoric but because he’s a sexual predator.
That’s not a real man, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a scoundrel.
Amen.
T. Rump is a confidence trickster in cognitive decline which makes him unfit for office. The misogyny, authoritarian tendencies, 34 felony convictions, sexual assault conviction, multiple bankruptcies, and all the rest are just icing on the cake. And yet roughly 45% of the notoriously fickle American Electorate seem ready to elect him to the highest office in the land. I wish it were not so, however, the election will determine the future for all of us.
Remember to vote, encourage others to do likewise, and wave as you fly over the Christian nationalist swamp of Oklahoma.l