Howdy,
Like every damn officer, I went out and wrote an eloquent essay on the problems of the all-volunteer force without asking for some adult supervision.
Luckily, Ben Waterloo, my old Shirt, stepped into the breach and has some practical advice for those considering enlisting. In short, don’t overthink this.
Again, I’m happy to take submissions from veterans and active-duty service members. It keeps me from doing work! I don’t do work, for G*d’s sake! I’m an occifer. I’m here to think big thoughts that have no chance of ever being enacted.
But before you hear from Waterloo, I’ve got a little news for GCV fans. I’m starting a second podcast called “Stories From My Brothers: Tales of the Afghan Security Forces.” I’m interviewing one of my brothers, Colonel Khial Shinwari, this week, and I hope to push it out the following week. We’re expanding operations, folks. More on that in the coming weeks.
Now, the floor is yours, Shirt.
So, you are about to enlist in the United States Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps, or Army (eww, don’t). Congratulations! I am going to divulge the biggest secret to service as an enlisted person.
Ladies and Gentlemen of America, Children thinking of enlisting! Hear me, hear me!
Being in the military is not hard.
It CAN and MAY be hard. We may ask a lot of you at times. See the Sailors on the Eisenhower (checks notes) RIGHT NOW. They have been at sea for many months, and they’re making our Flag and the Statue of Liberty VERY proud. Many of them are first-term enlistees. They’ve been in the Navy for 2-3 years. That sounds like an eternity for an 18-year-old.
I’m a rare Airman in the Air Force in that I enlisted after having been offered a commissioning program. I turned the program down because it would send me to schools I didn’t want to attend. I was doing a degree program I didn’t like. So I said no to the Air Force. It serves me right that the Air Force has consistently told me no since then, right?
That’s not my point; we must get to the secret. The Secret that, in its frankness, has put my career into a holding pattern.
The military on the enlisted side is SUPER easy, outside of that brief period of basic training that is hard, miserable, and leaves you either stronger or regretting your life choices or both:
1) Be Alive (Hard to argue with)
2) Show Up (Article 86, UCMJ)
3) On Time (See above)
4) To the correct location (^ that, up there)
5) Wearing the correct uniform (Article 92, UCMJ)
6) Do what you are told to do (Also Article 92, but in italics)
If you can do those six things, you will finish your 4-6 year first enlistment, be faced with a choice to keep going in your military career OR get out, keep your GI bill, and have your college paid for. You know, that thing a lot of your peers are screaming about being in debt forever for? Yeah, that thing.
I’m at about 400 words now, and this isn’t a TikTok video. If you found this interesting, or you know someone who might, Disgruntled Combat Veteran and I have known each other for a few years, and I’m hoping for quite a few more. Stick around for more guest appearances, or maybe I’ll make my own substack. SNCOs know how to piggyback (Neener neener, boss).
If I’ve learned one other thing, it’s that SNCOs can go on for hours.
Until Next Time.
You forgot the fifth branch -- the US Coast Guard, which my son served in for 11 years (his wife, too). It's also the only one of the service branches that has the authority to enforce national and international law on the high seas, so they often are part of naval ship deployments as well.
And yes, I know they're housed within the Department of Homeland Security, but they have dotted line reporting into Defense. Members of the CG have served in war zones over the past 20 years.
Well, one good thing about Air Force is you will not be "boots on the ground"--and the man warned you about joining the Army.
The great thing about the Navy used to be that you'd visit all those foreign ports, but with nuclear power that may be a thing of the past.